What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
