We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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