Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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