went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
