you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
BRING THE BAGELS
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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