I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
