dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
