Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
