3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
