you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
