I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
