i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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