BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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