Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
