i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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