If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
