Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
