My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
