I puked a lego.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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