Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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