I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
