i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
