she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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