I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize