fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
