Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
