they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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