I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
