Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
