"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
