i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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