I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
