Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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