Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
