I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
