You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
