You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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