Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
