I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
