Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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