i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
