She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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