matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
