from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
