I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
