i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
