I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
