i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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