Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
