checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
